• Five Minute Friday :: Abandon Linkup
Like an abandoned dwelling place or a dream too extravagant to keep believing, the life I expected to continue in a recognizable form suddenly was no more. I say "suddenly" except I have no clue when or where it happened. I still can't fathom what happened. I kept on keeping on as usual, somehow not comprehending "insanity is expecting different results from the same behaviors." Evidently I kept chasing a way of being in the world that had abandoned me, because I was too stubborn to admit to anything other than a brief intermission. Dramatic? Yes, and you can't change what you don't admit.
Life hadn't become simpler. It had become smaller. I was lost. Abandoned. I'd expected the rhythms of my days to continue—or return, but now I know they were gone.
I need to figure out how to rebuild the last place and the last time my world made sense to me. I need to try to find a way out of the silence and the stillness. Do you think a therapist or a life coach could help? I'd planned to start spiritual direction, and I've reached out about it, but it can't begin with my current life-work schedule.
How do you count all those years of new mornings without a purpose during the day? Yet I still wait upon the life that disappeared.
I keep trying to replicate the way it was before my world ended. No wonder I hanker for Y2K! For life with a pulse and a rhythm. Chaotic, purposeful, meaningful. Messy and healing.
As I exist in the space between what I knew and what I don't dare hope for, the silence sometimes feels accusatory. On the other hand, sometimes the silence is wide and spacious and almost welcoming.
Is there a new shape to my life? One that embraces, doesn't abandon?
This really tugs at the heart, the desire to recreate what was, before it all fell apart.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. Been there. If not for Jesus. We are hard pressed, but not in despair, not crushed. We are not abandoned. May God free you from the despair that the enemy tries to engulf you in. When God wants to sanctify us, the enemy makes it seem like we're losing. But he's a liar and the blood of Jesus is against him!
ReplyDeletegive yourself time...the silence will show you the way through. visiting from FMF12
ReplyDeleteThank you. I've given it 3 decades.
DeleteMy heart feels for you. ❤️ 🙏
ReplyDeleteWith God all things are possible, and yes, I think Christian counseling would help.
Don't let your life/work schedule keep you from doing what you need to do (which only God knows is, and will show you if you pray for His wisdom and direction to set the right priorities.) And I say that to myself as well, because there are things I need to be doing right now that should be priorities (like physical therapy) that I keep putting off as well because of my life/work (mostly work) schedule, and I'm starting to feel convicted that's a lack of trust (on my part--not yours) in God's provision.